


Solace

by Aryagraceling



Series: Catharsis [10]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Anbu Hatake Kakashi, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Inspired by Music, M/M, Marriage, References to Depression, References to Sex, References to anxiety, Relationship Development, references to violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-28
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-07-18 13:55:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16119848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aryagraceling/pseuds/Aryagraceling
Summary: Kakashi's journey from soldier to partner.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MagnusTesla](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagnusTesla/gifts).



> For the lovely MagnusTesla, who sent me the absolutely gorgeous song that inspired these snippets of Kakashi and Iruka's lives (King by Lauren Aquilina). 
> 
> We were having a chat and thought that the lyrics perfectly described Kakashi growing from a lonely soldier to someone who has something to stand for.

_ You’re on your own, so what?  _

Their weight is heavy on Kakashi’s shoulders as, on a rare day he has to himself, he stares at the memorial stone. Rin’s ghostly hand caresses his cheek and Obito’s eye aches as the ANBU mourns for lives never brought to fullness. He lets his head tip back, looks to the looming grey sky, and  _ remembers. _

__ He remembers Minato, Rin, Obito--even Tenzou, who hasn’t been in the village for months. His father comes next, riding on a tide of bitter regret Kakashi tamps down almost instantly. An ANBU has no room for feelings and he shouldn’t even be here, shouldn’t be gazing at the specters of his past, but when the dark calls to him he needs to remember the light.

He needs to serve Konoha another day.  

So what he’s alone? That’s what he was signed up for. A lonely life fit for a lonely Hound. It’s the life of a soldier, a child raised from birth to be an asset and a cold-blooded killer. It’s a life he’s supposed to be proud of, and he knows he  _ should  _ be. Konoha’s elite. People’s lives resting on his ability to perform his duties. 

As rain begins to sheet down, he can’t bring himself to move from where he’s rooted himself. Here, standing before those who made him, he can’t fight the splinter of doubt worming its way down into the carefully ignored well of emotion seated deep in his gut. Sadness creeps up in him, the first sign he’s no longer fit for special forces. ANBU do not feel sad. They do not feel sadness, they do not feel anger, they do not feel regret for past actions and most of all they do not question their purpose.

Kakashi can no longer obey blindly. 

He is not a good Hound. 

He has no pack--no family, no friends, just the dead weight of people he’s failed dragging him down. The Hound is alone but it doesn’t matter. He shakes his head and turns away, flicking water out of his eyes as he walks into the trees. Kakashi is alone, and for the first time the ache of loneliness twists viciously in his chest. It doesn’t matter, because loneliness?

It’s just shinobi life.

 

_ Have you gone blind? _

__ It’s been months since Kakashi left ANBU, and he still wakes up screaming. Sweat-soaked sheets tangle around pale legs as  _ his  _ eye aches--Obito’s reminder that he’s always there. Obito. Dead, but has witnessed the bloodshed right along with Kakashi. Some nights it’s all he can do to to remind himself Obito cannot haunt him, that the Uchiha’s soul is dead and gone along with his broken body. 

Tonight, it is once again Rin convulsing around his wrist that wakes him. It is raw, real, and the visceral terror that settles into his bones could rattle the apartment down to the foundation. Dreams come easy, but surviving their wounds to his waking soul is impossible. 

A knock sounds on the wall as he quivers buried under a pile of blankets. Umino Iruka, schoolteacher and more recently Kakashi’s neighbor, asks loudly if Kakashi is okay. He’s not, but he pulls the covers tighter and says he’s fine. Iruka shifts away and yet again Kakashi sinks into the deep sea of rage and regret. He doesn’t know why he pushes a person who cares away.

He thinks it’s safer that way.

Fewer people to lose, because that’s what he does. He loses people.

Once a soldier, always a soldier.

 

_ Have you forgotten what you have and what is yours? _

He fails his first genin team. The three trudge away in disappointment, and Iruka questions him when he gets home that night. They’ve become close, closer than friends, but Kakashi does not know what exactly they’ve evolved into. It is confusing and as Iruka hands him a plate of food and another question he snaps that he doesn’t care he failed them--Konoha needs to be better. 

With fire in his eyes, Iruka sets the plate to the side and takes his hand, dragging him out onto the balcony. He asks what Kakashi sees, and Kakashi tells him exactly. The village is something precious, to be protected, and if it is sending him genin who simply obey mindlessly it’s out of its mind. He will not suffer fools.

Iruka throws up his hands with a groan and muttered comment about how Kakashi’s being the exact thing he won’t allow. Kakashi lets the teacher tell him why he’s wrong and listens to how he should go about fixing himself before gripping Iruka’s shoulder and countering with what makes a shinobi worth his time. 

He tells Iruka about death and destruction that’s morphed into a leaf-shaped stain deep inside. He speaks of loss and grief and anger until finally-- _ finally-- _ Iruka puts a hand on his face and tells him to shut up. The chunin asks again what he sees, and Kakashi  _ looks.  _

He still sees blood-drenched fields and damned souls, but in Iruka’s eyes he sees a glimmer. Iruka holds hope for a brighter future. His fingers over Kakashi’s mask are reaching down through the deep grey that’s seeped into every part of Kakashi, tugging him up toward a radiant light bisected by an even lighter scar. It’s the form of what Kakashi’s missed all these years--heart, home, and a surprising  _ happiness.  _

__ It’s all he wants, and Iruka’s eager to help him be human.

 

_ Glass half empty, glass half full  _

__ Days wear into weeks before Iruka insists on being his and his alone. Kakashi takes no issue but as their partnership progresses, he begins to ruminate. Under every joke and offhand remark about being together, anxiety lurks. Iruka keeps a watchful...distance, almost, as if Kakashi’s going to sprint away if he’s touched.

Kakashi confronts him about it one day after school and Iruka closes the door with a sigh. He tells Kakashi he’s never been with a jonin, let alone an ex-ANBU, and he’s nervous he’s going to scare him off. Iruka’s face drops to the floor as his arms come around his chest, a storm brewing in his gaze. He says he doesn’t want to lose Kakashi but he doesn’t know how to be with him like he deserves.

All at once, the loneliness seeps in again and Kakashi is desperate for air while Iruka speaks of  _ his  _ past--bruises and bandages from a man who sets Kakashi’s teeth on edge on the best of days. Iruka’s voice makes Kakashi’s chest ache as he explains it’s not because he doesn’t like Kakashi, but instead he likes him more than he expected to. 

It is the opposite of what Kakashi expected to hear.

As the ache begins to fade he sees not the anxiety but the beautiful moments they’ve had. Cups of coffee snatched in the seconds Kakashi has between missions, staring at sunsets until Iruka’s eyes close, the rare days of lazing in bed when they’re both off at the same time. The sand in their relationship’s hourglass is not draining, it is  _ filling _ . Every day is another grain and he is grateful for each one sliding against the others.

Iruka’s lips pressing gently over his mask break his concentration and Kakashi lets himself be taken in as the teacher winds a hand in his hair, dragging him ever-closer. He asks if Kakashi is okay, does he understand now? Kakashi shows him a resounding yes as he tugs the fabric away and rests his bare skin against the chunin. 

It’s the first time he’s allowed Iruka to see him without a mask. An inconvenience in the bedroom, in the shower, and at the table but Kakashi hasn’t been ready to take that final step until now. He’s been waiting for something--he didn’t know what--and Iruka’s admission broke down every barrier holding back his inhibitions. 

Iruka thanks him, and Kakashi hears the unspoken ‘I love you’ behind the words. 

  
  


_ Well either way, you won’t be going thirsty  _

__ When Kakashi comes crawling into his apartment dripping red, he finds Iruka lounging on the couch in one of his sweatshirts. There is a moment when their eyes meet that he thinks Iruka’s going to faint along with him there in the living room. Iruka doesn’t, and Kakashi wakes up two days later in a hospital bed with Iruka sleeping in a chair next to him.

With a trembling hand, he reaches for his partner’s hair. The strands slip through easily, falling to the bed with soft murmurs as Iruka stirs. He wakes and Kakashi finds himself fixed with a glare that could melt the sun. His teacher scolds him for not going to the hospital immediately and why would he not think to heal some of his wounds in the field?

Kakashi asks what Iruka was doing on his couch, and Iruka bursts into tears. He rails against the very same things Kakashi hates about Konoha, how duty comes before family and takes Kakashi away for more time than Iruka wants. Kakashi asks if Iruka considers him family and Iruka says of course, because he loves him. Even when he’s laid up in a hospital bed too weak to walk, Iruka loves him. 

In his bed at home, Iruka worries over him as his chakra reserves slowly replenish. He’s a consistent encouragement as Kakashi regains strength. Even when he’s at school, Kakashi discovers a note on the fridge, his favorite tea restocked. It’s the little things Iruka does for him that drag him deeper into love. 

The second Kakashi is feeling well enough to take him, Iruka shows him what it’s like to miss someone. On a mission Kakashi has very little time for it, little energy to devote to thinking about his life in Konoha. Iruka, on the other hand, has all the time in the world and he is like a man starved as he devours all Kakashi has to offer. He’s wanted for a long time now.

Kakashi lays next to him that night and promises he’ll try to stay closer. As his fingers whisper over Iruka’s skin, he promises to be there because if Iruka can love him in a hospital bed, Kakashi can sacrifice an S-rank for the comfort of being close to him. 

With Iruka, the nightmares aren’t so bad. His trips to the memorial stone don’t sting as badly and when people stop him in the street, he’s learned to be gentle. Less on guard. He’s learned that wanting does not mean weakness. And of all the things Iruka has taught him, his favorite lesson has been that he no longer needs to suffer in silence.

He can need Iruka and not feel like a burden.

  
  


_ Count your blessings, not your flaws  _

__ Some days the darkness creeps back in. Black tendrils lace around his arms, curling into him and latching tighter with each breath. These are the days that require bed, books, and belief. He needs to believe in himself, in Iruka, in Konoha--anything that will keep the demons at bay. 

These are the days when his ghosts come out to play. They pick at him with cold fingers and harsh words, and he curls as tight as he can to banish them. It never works,  but the action makes him feel like he’s got some control over his racing thoughts.

When Iruka returns to their now-shared home, Kakashi doesn’t need to say anything because Iruka  _ knows.  _ He can tell from the frustration roiling through Kakashi’s chakra. He can sense the unease and dread that stems from Kakashi’s past rising up to snatch him away. 

These are the days when Iruka simply holds him.

In their bed, on their couch, sitting on the balcony to watch the world outside--it doesn’t matter where, so long as Iruka gets the chance to tell him he’s worth everything. For every one of Kakashi’s fears, Iruka has a way to talk him down. For every time Kakashi feels he is not enough, Iruka assures him there’s nowhere he’d rather be. 

Iruka tells him to count blessings, not flaws, and Kakashi tries his best. Even when it comes back to Iruka and his dogs in this wretched world, he  _ is  _ blessed. When it comes down to his old scripts, his deep-rooted disgust at the way he turned out, he takes a deep breath and listens to Iruka’s voice telling him he’s loved and accepted. 

Kakashi knows he wouldn’t have survived more time in ANBU. He’d had his fill of the organization. Taking a step back to breathe was the best decision he could have made, even though his sense of self was left in tattered shreds flapping in the breeze. 

ANBU left him broken, and Iruka’s piecing him back together.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what did you think? Feedback is _always_ appreciated and encouraged, be it via kudos/comments/bookmarks or through any of my social media below.
> 
> * [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/sparkswithyou)  
> * [Twitter](https://twitter.com/AryaGrace4)  
> * [Discord](https://discord.gg/ZkxAX9r) (or aryagraceling#4222 if you're not looking for another server)  
> * [AO3 Armada](https://www.facebook.com/groups/601270063618951), a facebook group for all creators and readers.


	2. Chapter 2

_ You’ve got it all _

The nights when they’re together, Kakashi looks down on Iruka’s sleeping face and lets the deep sense of pride in his partner sweep him over. He still sees a future in the way Iruka’s lashes flutter over his cheeks, in the way his fingers curl in the blankets, in the way his pulse thrums under his neck. 

Iruka’s where Kakashi is meant to be.

He’s what Kakashi missed through his entire childhood and into his life as Hound. Being dismissed from ANBU and moving next to him was the best thing that could have come after those hellish years, and he’ll be grateful until the day he dies for the opportunity to love him. Kakashi doesn’t know how long they’ll have, so he does his best every day. Even when Iruka’s temper gets the best of him, when Kakashi’s insecurities whip through the carefully constructed peace afterwards, Kakashi loves him. And he knows Iruka loves him in return. 

He does have it all, he thinks, and as Iruka begins to mutter in his sleep, Kakashi presses a kiss to his forehead. In these moments Iruka doesn’t blush and look away, citing his scar or sunburn or even a fresh pre-genin wound as a reason Kakashi should look at the sky instead. He doesn’t stop Kakashi from looking over his moon-drenched skin like he’ll never get enough of the sight. He doesn’t stop Kakashi from gently brushing back the hair from his forehead and whispering all the ways he’s perfection. 

He doesn’t stop Kakashi from falling so deep he can’t see the darkness attempting to swallow him.  

When Iruka turns his back to Kakashi, tangling the blankets and nearly ripping them off the bed, the jonin smiles and burrows closer into him. Quiet moments of adoration and perfection are his life when he’s home, and he knows he’ll never want anything else. 

 

_ You lost your mind in the sound _

He fails his second genin team as well, and this time Iruka does not yell about it. He understands. He’s seen the blood on Kakashi’s hands, his face, his uniform, and understands that Kakashi is not failing them because he hates them, but because he cares for the village. Kakashi’s a careful teacher and wise when it comes to the needs of Konoha. 

Several weeks after he fails them, Kakashi returns home to dreams of red and black. It was a mission of terror--horror--the likes of which he hasn’t seen in a long time. He hates the way his hands tremble as Iruka leads him into the shower, hates the way he can barely undress himself in the face of the overwhelming anger at the shinobi world.

How dare they, he screams into Iruka’s shoulder. How dare they take it all away and replace it with blood and guts and steel? How dare they force him to kill when all he wants is to find peace? How dare they keep sending him people who do not know what it is to scream at night because you can’t stem the tidal wave of memories? 

How dare they expect him to continue his job as if it’s normal?

Iruka holds him close that night, even when Kakashi tells him he shouldn’t. Kakashi shouldn’t be dragging down the bright light that is Iruka with his past and what he’s done to others. It’s brutal, disgusting, and dirty, and here Iruka is holding him like he’s worth everything. 

He’s not.

Kakashi tries, on these nights, to not tear everything down. He tries to accept that Iruka wants him, even with what he’s done. On the nights he can’t, Iruka sleeps on the couch and claims he needs some time to center himself. Kakashi doesn’t mean to lash out, but when all he can see is someone who doesn’t have to go through the hell he does it’s hard. It’s hard to not be resentful, and  _ still  _ Iruka deals with him.

He’ll never be able to repay the chunin.

 

_ There’s so much more _

His third genin team passes, barely, and Kakashi is torn. He does not know if he’s good enough, will be able to teach them like his sensei did for him. It is a chance to form a new generation, teach a new Konoha, but the sight of Minato’s son and Obito’s relative is enough to reach down and twist harshly in his chest. Naruto is unpredictable, Sakura overeager, and Sasuke unwilling. He tells Iruka this, and Iruka speaks of their abilities instead. 

He speaks of what they learned in his and others’ classes, how they’ll grow to be strong under Kakashi’s guidance. They have the team over for supper one night--a reunion of sorts, and also a way for Iruka to take the pain of their first confirmed kills. Kakashi sits back and watches as his partner does exactly what he does for Kakashi. With careful words and a comforting arm around the kids’ shoulders, Iruka listens to how Sakura thought Sasuke was dead, and how Naruto grew angry at Zabuza’s unwillingness to acknowledge Haku. 

It’s humbling to see Iruka like this. He’s got a heart Kakashi can’t hope to match, and all at once, Kakashi knows this is it. This is the moment he realizes Iruka is the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with, no matter how short it might be. He wants Iruka to be there after missions and on days when he doesn’t have one, he wants to welcome Iruka home after his long shifts at the Academy. There are reasons shinobi do not marry but he disregards them all as that night, he kneels to worship. 

With lips and tongue and hands, Kakashi tells Iruka how much he means before stepping back to look at the way the chunin splays himself willingly on the bed. Kakashi tells him to forget convention and asks his question, and Iruka falls apart under his words. There’s no ring, just them in the moonlight as their bodies move and their lips meet in a resounding yes.

 

_ You can reclaim your crown _

It rains on the day they marry. Kakashi doesn’t believe in omens, but as he stares out the window dread seeps in. Iruka’s gone at Izumo’s for the night, Izumo saying it’s bad luck to see a spouse before the ceremony. Kakashi gets up and goes to the memorial stone, musing on things past, present, and future. It’s a concentration he barely sees these days, with kids hanging off of him and preparing for the chunin exams. 

He concentrates so hard he’s jerked violently back to reality when a light weight drops on his head. Instantly, he’s on guard and whirls around only to see Iruka with his hands up and a small smile on his face. The chunin points to his head and Kakashi puts a hand to his hair, coming away with a braided strand of flowers.

Iruka positively glows when Kakashi holds it up in confusion and tells Kakashi it brightens the sour look on his face, the one that Pakkun gets when he’s all wet. His long hair is plastered to his shoulders and he takes off his shoes, dancing barefoot across the grass in the rain. 

Kakashi asks him why, and Iruka simply asks him to join in. When Kakashi captures the chunin in his arms he opens up about the fears he realized upon waking, and Iruka kisses him. Long, deep, and thoroughly Iruka kisses him, and when he’s finished he tells Kakashi that today and every day, there’s no place he’d rather be than by his side. The storm has begun to settle, and they simply stand there until Izumo and Genma come to yell about tradition.

Iruka’s eyes are wet as they part, a smile snaking across his face as he sneaks one last kiss before they meet again hours later to become one. Konoha celebrates long into the night, long after they’ve retreated and Iruka calls Kakashi husband as he comes in the early morning hours. 

For the first time since Sakumo died there’s another Hatake in the village, and Kakashi will be satisfied with that alone if nothing else happens before his time is up.

 

_ You’re in control _

Some days Iruka is a force of nature. He whirls in like a hurricane, some days demanding space, others demanding supper, and others yet demanding Kakashi take it all away. It’s yet another thing Kakashi never thought he’d have--someone who trusts him with everything. Someone who trusts him to make decisions for their body that aren’t which artery to sever, which bones to break to make them talk. 

It’s release for both of them.

Cathartic, as Kakashi glides fingers over Iruka’s shuddering flesh. Taking control when his husband can’t is cathartic and Kakashi would do anything to make sure Iruka always knows he can come to him. Making Iruka cry out until he can cry no more and then holding water to his lips, holding him as he comes back to himself--that is where Kakashi comes to know what it is to be truly immersed in another. 

Their game is fluid and on the days Iruka turns the tables and needs Kakashi to submit, Kakashi knows what it is to truly trust. On the days Kakashi wants to bow at Iruka’s feet until he’s made into a vessel that perfectly fits his husband, he knows what it is to truly need. On the days he asks Iruka to take his breath away, he knows what it is to truly believe that someone has his best interest at heart.

On those days, he knows what it is to love someone so completely he loses himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what did you think? Feedback is _always_ appreciated and encouraged, be it via kudos/comments/bookmarks or through any of my social media below.
> 
> * [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/sparkswithyou)  
> * [Twitter](https://twitter.com/AryaGrace4)  
> * [Discord](https://discord.gg/ZkxAX9r) (or aryagraceling#4222 if you're not looking for another server)  
> * [AO3 Armada](https://www.facebook.com/groups/601270063618951), a facebook group for all creators and readers.


	3. Chapter 3

 

_ Rid of the monsters inside your head  _

The day the Third dies is the day Iruka breaks in Kakashi’s arms. Orochimaru’s attack wreaks havoc and Hiruzen’s death rends a hole in Iruka’s heart that Kakashi can’t begin to patch. Iruka cries into his chest harder than he ever has before--harder than when he took a shuriken to the back, harder than when Kakashi said the words to seal their bond. That night, Kakashi’s shirt dries with tear stains on the shoulder.

The day of the funeral Iruka does not cry. He stands stoic, silent, as his adoptive father is laid to rest. He puts the flowers on the casket along with the rest of Konoha and when they arrive home, he falls wordlessly to the bed. Grief does not suit Iruka, Kakashi thinks. Grief is for  _ him _ . It is the price for the blood on his hands and Iruka does not deserve that burden. He does not deserve the clouds pouring into that rift and filling it with darkness.

Kakashi waits that night.

He  _ knows  _ Iruka. He knows his chunin will let it out eventually and true to form, Iruka does. It starts with a quiet sob and admission that the day was hard. The chunin says he cannot sleep with the image of Orochimaru’s snake in his head, the way the villagers tried to hold back tears at the funeral. They haunt him, he says, and he cannot see anything else. He can’t see light, love...he admits he can barely see Kakashi through the cloud over him. 

Iruka misses Hiruzen and feels guilty, because death is part of their life.

Kakashi cradles Iruka’s head against his chest and sings quietly to him the song he’s heard Iruka sing on his dark days. His tears do not fall, as he chooses to blink them back instead of grieve with his husband. His time is not now. It will come later, in the middle of the forest surrounded by the pack. Perhaps once or twice when Iruka will see but not now, because Iruka needs him to be strong.

Iruka needs his ANBU tonight.

 

_ Put all your faults to bed _

Kakashi is not the only one who lashes out. Iruka on his bad days is a terror and in the wake of the attack it seems more often than not he seeks to drag Kakashi with him. Kakashi knows, but Kakashi cannot help snapping back when Iruka sits in the corner and glowers at him for forgetting to keep a kunai off the table.

It’s my house too, Kakashi says, and Iruka throws his hands in the air with a scoff. He says Kakashi doesn’t follow the rules, does not care for convention and while he’s not completely wrong, it’s not a day to let fly. Not when Kakashi’s worried about Sasuke and fixating on how he has failed his team. 

It’s the first night they’re in the same house that they don’t sleep together. 

Kakashi takes the couch, because looking down at the shuriken print sheets they share would only serve to remind him of something else Iruka holds in destructive hands--Kakashi’s vulnerability. They wake the next morning and say nothing, Iruka getting dressed in silence and forgoing breakfast in his quest to get out of the house. Kakashi considers taking a mission--a long one, at that--but when he walks to the desk he finds his feet won’t move further than the door. He stares at the workers before shaking his head and retreating to the village limits, stalking through the trees to the tune of angry defiance.

Tenzou finds him.

The other man listens to him as he pours out his frustration before putting a soothing hand on his shoulder and revealing Kakashi is not the first person to have these problems. Kakashi laughs, but when he gets home he lays down in their bed and thinks. Years, Iruka dealt with this from him. From the very beginning when they were neighbors, the chunin dealt. The realization does not make things right, but it helps Kakashi understand. 

Iruka walks in the door with heavy shoulders and a wounded heart, and Kakashi hugs him. He does not say it’s all right. He does not say he will fix this, he does not assure Iruka things will get better, but he does say he loves him and Iruka’s eyes once again fill with tears. Iruka apologizes, and Kakashi’s lips kiss away the water from his lids.

They will grow from this, he instead promises, and Iruka hugs him like he’ll never let go again.

 

_ You can be king again _

Naruto leaves Konoha and Iruka says to Kakashi maybe it should be raining that day. Both know what must be done, that the boy needs to grow with someone who can teach him more than they can. They still sit on their porch swing long into that night, trading stories about his growth with each other.

It doesn’t matter they’ve heard several of them before because what matters tonight is comfort--family--and they’ve finally settled back into the easy peace cultivated through their time together. Soon enough Kakashi’s hand begins to wander, Iruka’s following close behind as they kiss beneath the moonlight. Their attention turns to each other rather than their loss and they retreat into the house, moving slowly against each other to a chorus of soft sighs under the blankets. 

The next day flies by, as does the next and the next. Soon enough they find themselves going stretches of several days without thinking of Naruto or Sasuke, and they feel themselves beginning to heal. There’s a fullness in their hearts that means home. It means they have something to come back to and a place that is theirs and theirs alone.

Kakashi plays with Iruka’s hair the way he’s seen Sakura do her own. He braids it around Iruka’s head and beams at him, saying he’d make another flower crown if he were any good at growing flowers in their small garden. Iruka tackles him to the ground and holds him close as they laugh together and says that he doesn’t need a crown, because Kakashi is already his king. He is the man Iruka will stand for and the one he’s fallen over and over for.

He is worth Iruka’s every loyalty. 

 

_ You don’t get what all this is about _

Iruka teases him mercilessly between bursts of laughter on the day Naruto arrives back. Foiled by spoilers he didn’t even know, he says, wiping a mirthful tear from his eye. Kakashi falls into the couch with a wounded sigh and roll of his eyes before Iruka collapses next to him, worn and out of breath. With his face flushed and hair falling out of his ponytail, Kakashi can’t help but lean over and press their lips together, linking their fingers as he quiets Iruka’s jokes.

There’s calm, and it is shattered with news of an attack on Suna.

Kakashi leaves the next day, heads out with his team through the desert. After they arrive, Kakashi’s walls come down when he meets Uchiha Itachi once again. The raven-haired man isn’t well and Kakashi wants nothing more than to see him alive and in Konoha but he  _ can’t,  _ not after Itachi named himself traitor. They fight, and Kakashi’s fire dims.

Gaara passes and is revived several days later. Suna mourns the loss of Chiyo in return for Gaara’s life and the Konohan teams leave, returning to Konoha to deposit Kakashi in the hospital. Iruka stays by his side as he tosses, turns, and thinks. Things could have been so different, if only, if only...it’s the if onlys that catch him and leave him stranded on island of what ifs.

He does not fully understand.

Tenzou comes to him one day when Iruka is out of the room. He’ll be leading the team from this day forward, he says, and his name is now Yamato. Kakashi nods wordlessly, transferring responsibility to the man who’s saved his skin more than once. He does not fully understand, but he knows Yamato will be good for them. 

Kakashi holds Iruka tight the night he’s released, asks him softly if he’s been a good teacher for his students. The uncertainty eats at him as uncertainty means hesitation, which in turn translates to loss of life. He hates being uncertain but under Iruka’s promise of excellence he shuts his eyes and sinks into the feeling of Iruka surrounding him. Calming him.

Assuring him.

 

_ You’re too wrapped up in your self doubt _

Iruka shouldn’t have spoken the words. Kakashi’s next year is filled with destruction and the knowledge that he is a failure, secured with the news his old comrade is dead at his own brother’s hand. Asuma died, Jiraiya died, and Itachi died, and Kakashi thuds his palm on Iruka’s chest after his visits to the memorial stone. It does not matter he got revenge on Hidan and Kakuzu and it does not matter Jiraiya left information in his last minutes, just as it does not matter that Itachi was dying anyway. 

He has failed the village.

The day Pein attacks is the day he once wished for. It is the day everything fades away and Kakashi is left spinning through blackness before watching his father walk out of the darkness. They speak of life and love and forgiveness until Kakashi whispers he doesn’t want to leave Iruka, doesn’t want to leave Konoha. He doesn’t want to leave his life behind. All the pain, all the love, all the growth--while once he wanted nothing more than to sink into this all consuming darkness he now finds himself clawing his way out of the pit and back to the life they’ve made.

He’s saved people today. Even though the village is in shreds and their home destroyed, Kakashi reminds himself of this. Through injury and rehabilitation and rebuilding he slowly takes back his confidence, bolstered each step of the way by Iruka. His chunin supports him as he in turn supports Konoha, even through the nights of anguish for what’s been lost. 

They are survivors, and they will continue as such until the end. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what did you think? Feedback is _always_ appreciated and encouraged, be it via kudos/comments/bookmarks or through any of my social media below.
> 
> * [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/sparkswithyou)  
> * [Twitter](https://twitter.com/AryaGrace4)  
> * [Discord](https://discord.gg/ZkxAX9r) (or aryagraceling#4222 if you're not looking for another server)  
> * [AO3 Armada](https://www.facebook.com/groups/601270063618951), a facebook group for all creators and readers.


	4. Chapter 4

 

_ You’ve got that young blood, set it free  _

War is something he never wanted to experience again. Watching everything shatter around him and being forced back into the days of waiting for the next blow does nothing to heal his damaged mind in the wake of Pein’s attack, and seeing what he’s worked to get over his entire life come to a head as the world’s covered in a dream cuts him to the core. People fall, and he mourns their losses as best he can around the extra work piled on him in the wake of it all.

Iruka struggles, he knows. Every time Kakashi catches him staring out the window he smiles that tiny smile that means hurt, and Kakashi reaches for him. Iruka hasn’t told him what he dreamt. Kakashi can only hope he’s contributing to what his husband saw, and that he was actually a part of it.

It’s not until months later when they’re curled around each other in the midst of a cold winter night Iruka speaks. He tells Kakashi about the Academy flourishing under his careful watch, the young shinobi of Konoha coming to him as if he is the wise old man he thought Hiruzen to be. Kakashi tells him he could be, and he bites back a soft sob. No, because there was peace, he says. There was a future with no fighting and sadness and anger, and the two of them grew old through it all. 

He misses it every day, Iruka tells him, and didn’t know how to tell his husband he yearned for a time that could never be. He yearns for the days when things were simple and the world was a kinder place. Iruka saw the world as it could be, and as he holds Kakashi close he whispers he saw a world where no one was a shinobi. There was no attacks, no sorrow, not even death. There was peace, and there was life. The young people of Konoha do not yet know peace, he says, and already I see their blood beginning to burn with the will of Fire. He struggles every day at the academy against his wish to warn against their choices, tell them they should reconsider. 

Kakashi listens as Iruka tells him, barely audible, that sometimes he wishes he’d taken a different path. Let them choose, he says to Iruka. They may be young but they’re  _ strong,  _ Iruka, stronger than you and I, and they will choose for themselves. Let them go. Let them learn. Let them live.

 

_ There’s method in my madness _

The day Kakashi becomes hokage is the day he gives Iruka a crown of his own. Between the new duties and guards and everything else the two find themselves alone in the hokage offices for a few moments, surrounded by Yamanaka flowers and well wishes from shinobi and civilians alike. Iruka crosses his arms and smiles out the window, leaning back into Kakashi when he moves behind him. 

It’s almost as if they picked them from the garden, Iruka says, and Kakashi snickers into his neck at the thought of how angry his husband would be if he came home to find his precious beds destroyed. Iruka has been battling to recover for over a year, fighting tooth and nail to regain his sense of confidence in both the village and himself after being caught in the Tsukoyomi. 

Iruka laughs with him, and Kakashi rejoices. He breaks away to pick several lilies from a bouquet and weaves them together the same way Iruka did so many years ago on their wedding day. The white graces Iruka’s hair like it was made for it, the petals gently settling against his forehead as it wrinkles with a smile. They’re older now, maybe a little less beautiful, but to Kakashi, his husband is the only one he wishes to grow with.

My king, the hokage tells his teacher. The words are paired with a kiss to the corner of each eye, mask pulled down just enough for Iruka to feel Kakashi’s skin on his. Iruka’s arms come around his shoulders to pull him into a fierce hug and as they sway in the setting sun, Kakashi murmurs how he learned this from Iruka. How to be helpful, how to be there and present for the people you love. 

You said I looked like Pakkun when I was sad, Kakashi tells Iruka, so now my love can brighten your life like you brightened mine.

 

_ There’s no logic in your sadness _

Naruto asks Iruka to stand in as his father for his wedding and under the floating cherry blossoms, the two watch the boy marry the woman he loves. They tell him he’s become a man now, as if watching Haku and Zabuza die on that bridge so long ago hadn’t formed him into one anyway. At the reception, they cover for the pair when they sneak off, reminiscing on when they did the same exact thing.

When the festivities are over and they’re in bed with one another, there’s nothing special about the way they make love. Iruka does not pin him and tie him, nor does Kakashi push him to the brink of madness and let him drop into a sea of sensation. The sex is simple and quiet but  _ worshipful  _ as Kakashi touches every available surface of Iruka’s body.

It’s been so long, he whispers just before Iruka turns his face away. The teacher’s tears stain the pillow below him and they’re not the tears of overstimulation Kakashi’s so fond of, no--these are different. They’re the soft tears that mean Iruka is heading to a bad place yet again, and so Kakashi stops. He holds Iruka until the trembling subsides and Iruka admits with a quiet laugh it was too much at once, that it reminded him of the way Kakashi used to break under him. 

Iruka apologizes and Kakashi buries his face into his husband’s neck, kissing away the doubt and sadness until Iruka pushes him away, telling him to be careful because he’s ticklish. They both kick the covers off before moving to the living room to settle in for a movie, Iruka’s head laid in Kakashi’s lap as Kakashi cards his fingers through the long strands of his hair. It’s one they’ve seen a million times and the frustrated tension bleeds from Iruka to the sound of canned laughter and stupid jokes that shouldn’t be funny.

They try again as the credits roll, Iruka turning over to press his lips against Kakashi and wake him once more. You’re feeling better, Kakashi says, because it’s a rare day Iruka allows his lips to part for his husband and takes him deep. There’s no tears this time and Kakashi is grateful as he pushes into Iruka over and over until they collapse, sated.

There’s no reason, Iruka tells him, no reason to be depressed. I should be able to think it through, right?

Kakashi cleans him and shakes his head. Sadness does not follow a pattern, he says, at least no discernable one. It is yours to figure out and though it is painful, I am here through it all. I am here, and we will hold fast through the storm together. 

 

_ Take it from me  _

If he’s being honest, Kakashi is relieved he never had a child to take care of. The next generation is beautiful but along with each child comes responsibilities, and Kakashi knows it would likely have been a disaster should he have been with anyone but Iruka. They help with Naruto’s children when their student takes Kakashi’s place as Konoha’s leader, letting the days slip by with pacifiers and rattles in hand.

Both have duties to the village and yet somehow, this seems to take precedence. Iruka is a natural, settling both with a mere wave of his fingers and sticking his tongue out at Kakashi when he whines about it. You’ll never learn my secrets, Iruka teases, and Kakashi grumbles he could’ve used that trick on him once or twice over the years.

They’ve hit their stride again, both living and loving the best they know how under Konoha’s sunny skies. It’s a triumphant sort of love between them these days, a love born of heartache and tragedy but most of all compassion. It’s theirs. It’s Kakashi and Iruka and years of history all wrapped up in the way their lips meet under the fading light of another day, and it is everything. 

Iruka has Kakashi.

Kakashi has Iruka.

Until the end, kings. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what did you think? Feedback is _always_ appreciated and encouraged, be it via kudos/comments/bookmarks or through any of my social media below.
> 
> * [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/sparkswithyou)  
> * [Twitter](https://twitter.com/AryaGrace4)  
> * [Discord](https://discord.gg/ZkxAX9r) (or aryagraceling#4222 if you're not looking for another server)  
> * [AO3 Armada](https://www.facebook.com/groups/601270063618951), a facebook group for all creators and readers.


End file.
